I have been having issues with anger lately. I have always had a temper. It is just part of my disposition I can't shake. I am mostly pretty calm and casual but things can really set me off. It has been frustrating me lately because it seems to all come out at my three year old, Keira. Anyone who has had a three year old will tell you that they can make the terrible twos seem like the happy, joy joy twos. She doesn't listen to anything I say. She either ignores me or tells me no. I am sure my mom thinks its hilarious because I was just as annoying but I fear for my ability to parent with love. I get so angry I end up spanking her or making her go to her room just to get her out of my face. I don't always think she understands why she is in trouble even though she is doing something that is wrong. I read the talk that President Monson gave in the Priesthood session of General Conference last month and it really spoke to me. I really need to mellow out but I have no idea how.
Rick and I had a big discussion about this very thing last night when I got angry at Keira for not picking up her toys after I asked. I asked repeatedly and she ignored me and ignored me and then went and "hid" in my room, giggling the whole time because she KNEW that wasn't what she was suppose to be doing. I came in and asked her to get out and pick up the toys and when she decided to ignore me again, I spanked her and put her down next to the toys and yelled at her to do it. So she did it, crying the whole time and my husband told me I had been too rough. He had no alternate ideas about how I should have handled the situation which annoyed me even more. AHHH! I am getting angry just thinking about it. I don't know what else to do. I get so frustrated at her ignoring me. What do you do in this or similar situations? Time outs sometimes work but half the time she won't sit still in the time out or her sister comes over and plays with her and it really doesn't end up being a punishment. I don't feel like it gets to her. I doubt I am ever going to quit spanking. I don't care what your opinion is about that. I just don't know what to do to get through to her. I really don't want her to have the childhood that I had of never ending spankings and restrictions but I feel like that is how she is going to have it.
I think overall my children are loved and have a great family life. We do the best we can. I just want to be a good mom and I hope that they know that I love them because I tell them multiple times a day. Even after this whole blow up, I went up to Keira and told her that I loved her and she gave me a big hug and said she loved me too. So then I felt even worse. Being a mom is the hardest, most rewarding thing in the world.